Thankful

So it’s Thanksgiving. The time of the year where everyone says what they are thankful for. Every year this has always been easy and simple for me. I’m thankful for my family and my friends. It’s always been clear and I have never had to put much effort into it. This year it takes effort to say what I am thankful for.

I’m in a Facebook group for parents who have lost their children to CHD (Congenital Heart Defects) and that group is good and bad. Sometimes when I’m in a really low space it helps to have people that I know can relate. That understand what I must feel like to not have Tatum. But on other days it brings me down from a relatively good day. Today it did both! A lot of parents in the group were talking today about how they didn’t feel thankful for anything because their child was gone and nothing else matters. And a piece of me relates to this. The thing I want the most in the world is Tatum and I can’t ever have him back. That hurts more than I could ever put into words. But it was good to read these posts today because I realized that while I can relate, I do not necessarily agree. I have so many things that I am still thankful for and I decided to list them here:

1.) I’m thankful for Brigman. I could get really mushy here and talk about unconditional love, support, and acceptance but I won’t make you gag after all of that yummy food. Just know that having him in my life is a major reason that I am thankful.

2.) I am thankful for Brigman’s family for always treating me with kindness and acceptance. It is nice to feel as if I have another family to talk to and laugh with.

3.) I am thankful for my own family. They are and will forever be my rock. I can’t imagine a surface more steady to rest on and I know that I can always count on them.

4.) I am thankful for my friends. They reach out to me in times of need, support me, laugh with me, drink margaritas with me. And I couldn’t ask for better friends. I’m still amazed at the show of support at Tatum’s funeral. No one can understand what that means to Brigman and I.

5.) And finally I’m grateful for Tatum. Yes I am sad that he is not here and I would literally trade anything in the world if I could have him back, but I know that I can’t. And even through all of the heartbreak and sadness I am forever thankful for Tatum. He made me a mother and changed my life. The small amount of time that I was his mom was the best time of my life. I am extremely thankful to forever be Tatum’s mommy.

So ultimately yes, the answer is still the same. I am thankful for my family and friends. But this year that answer means so much more to me because of Tatum. Because he changed my heart and made me see things so much more clearly. He is now a part of me and everything around me is a little more special because of him.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you spent the day being as thankful as I did! 🦃🦃

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Oh so this is miscarriage…

So I started this blog page just to be supportive and follow a blog that my friends were creating and ever since I created this my writing fingers have been itching. I’ve always journaled. I’ve always thought that writing was my escape and my way to express my emotions and get everything out on paper, but the idea of people reading my personal thoughts has always made me uncomfortable.

Ever since having Tatum and having to expose my pain to the world after he passed away, the idea of holding my deepest emotions sacred has pretty much gone out of the window. I’ve sobbed in front of friends, complete strangers, and people I’ve only spoken a word too. I’ve had emotional breakdowns where my parents had to come to my house at midnight just to sit with me for hours while I screamed and blamed the world. When people look at me now there’s this mixture of sadness, pity and uncomfortableness. People don’t know what to say. Do you bring it up? Do you pretend like it doesn’t exist? What is the right way to handle it? To think there is this much prep work just to have a conversation with me is exhausting. But that is for another post on a later date. This post is about something else.

So in all of my post Tatum grief I am trying to figure out a way to escape. A way to make it less intense, less sad. Ultimately I decided that I needed something to look forward to and what could make me happier than having another baby. A little brother or sister for Tatum. I realized the judgement that would come with this decision. Was it too soon? Were we ready for another baby? Have we had time to heal? Did it look like we were just trying to replace Tatum? All of those questions played in my head. But ultimately we made the decision that we wanted to try again.

So we tried. And we got pregnant on the first try again. It was exciting and terrifying. The baby’s due date would have been July 7th. Which is 1 year and 6 days after Tatum’s due date. In a way it felt like deja vu. Too many similarities, but we were hopeful the outcome would be very different.

I wasn’t very far along. Almost 7 weeks. And I noticed blood. Not a lot. But I had a bad feeling. I called the doctor and they said that it was fine unless it got worse. The next day it got way worse. So I’m standing in front of a class and teaching about the ACT and how important Junior year is and all the while I’m losing my baby. I know I’m losing my baby but I continue teaching because I can’t really do anything else. I call the doctor and go teach another class while I’m waiting on them to call me back and I don’t really feel anything other than a knowledge that I’m no longer pregnant.

They finally get me an appointment and I leave work a little early to confirm that there’s no longer a baby. In the car on the way to the doctor I’m pretty hysterical. I call Brigman, my sister, my mom and don’t really have anything to say other than constantly asking why can’t I keep a baby. When I get to the doctor, and get an ultrasound done the sight of an empty womb hurt me deep in my soul. An empty womb. My worst nightmare realized. No children for me.

They say that there is nothing I could have done. This is just natures way of taking care of a pregnancy that would not have been viable. They tell me that I have passed most of it but need to take a pill so that I can pass the rest of it. No one calls it a baby anymore at this stage. It’s just tissue that needs to be passed.

So I get home and look up the medication they gave me and the internet calls it an “abortion pill”. So I have a mild panic attack as I take the medication and wait for what it will do to my body. What it will do to the rest of my baby or “tissue” as it is now called and I can’t help but wonder, is this my life now? One sad story after the next? Searching and wanting something I will never get?

I don’t know. All I know is that I miss Tatum and I still want to be a mommy. I’m not sure how to go about this journey.